For the love of gawd what was I thinking?

I feel like I should point out some obvious things before I start with another fun story:
1) I have been thru labor 2) I did not get an epidural 3) I don't freshly recall a lot of the details except that it felt like I was being sawed in half 4) I never screamed GIVE ME DRUGS 5) It went by really fast but in reality it lasted half a full day 5) I swore up and down left and right that I would never have sex again after it was done.
With those things said, I should have really just thought a little bit harder about my experience because it turns out that just because I don't freshly remember the events, doesn't mean that they are not lingering in my subconscious somewhere waiting to attack. This was proven by last nights events.
I told husband that because I am all knowing in the labor room (taking on a smarty pants attitude about this is not a good idea because I am actually panicking after last night) that we do not need to endure a 6 week coarse or a Saturday Express class on labor and delivery and all of the fine details that ensue. BUT I did tell him if he wanted to, that we could for his sake. The option of not going to the class would be to read some books out loud to each other and RENT A VIDEO. He choose the later. I felt happy. We saved ourselves a precious Saturday and 85 bucks.
Eh-hmm.
Hi, I'm genius, nice to meet you. See, this is where my smarty pants-ness got in the way. I've seen the video and it was gross. It was disgusting. I didn't learn shit from it other than fear. But this was before I went thru labor. And now that I have, I felt like I could weather the video again. It's harmless. I've seen gross things since then (ie Two Girls and a Cup) It would be like watching cartoons or the History Channel. Mind numbing nothingness, right?
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG
I went to the library last night to check out a labor video and they only had one VHS available. It was filmed in the late 70's early 80's which should have been a huge blaring red sign that I should have just waited for the more recent DVD to be shipped over from the other library. But I figure it was a good night to preview it before laughing at Husband while he watches it (he was out last night). Oh the hilarity I had imagined as I watched him watching a baby coming out of some other ladies vagina and sneering at him 'see what you are going to put me thru?' type comments for an hour. Yea, not so much.
I pop in the VHS into the VCR that I don't think has ever been used and fast forward thru the introductory stuff but begin to notice that this is going to be really hard to stomach because of the 'stars' of the show are hideous. Not like seeing good looking people would make it less horrific, but wait, yes it would've. The 'stars' were probably two of the ugliest people I've ever seen. 1979 or not they were not attractive. They were all...I don't know...hairy. Like everywhere. I mean, if I knew I was going to be on TV, I would at least try and put forth the effort and shave my upper lip or tell my husband to put on a clean shirt. C'mon people.
Anyway, I get to the point where this women is about to give birth and the camera suddenly zooms in about 1 cm from her much needed bush wack of a vagina and I start feeling dizzy. I'm like, uh-oh, I can't watch. I am literally sitting there with one eye closed and one eye squinting behind my fingers in horror of what I am witnessing. Luckily, the nurse lady talked her thru all of it. It went something like this:
"Push just a little bit---good---can you feel that? It's your babies FOREHEAD sticking out of your vagina---ok stop now. I know it's stretching so dr here is going to cut you. Oops, did that sting a little? See that's what you get for not wanting any drugs you hairy fool. Ok, push again, here comes her shoulders! Stop again---hurts doesn't it? We are going to clean out your babies nostrils right now instead of in 2 seconds just so you feel the burn of shoulders stretching out your lady business. There we go. Hey new Dad! Look at your wife's totally stretched out crotch. Sexy isn't it? Here comes your baby's arm---while the rest of her is still in you, our totally obnoxious doctor is going to tell you to look down and force a wave from her to you. Isn't that cute? Ok, big push now! Oops, you pooped a little, that's ok, I'll make sure the guy holding the video camera zooms in on it so everyone can see your shit. Wow, that was fun. While we clean up your baby, we are going to show the delivery of the placenta because everyone wants to see a big blob of alien come out of your bloody crotch. Ok, all done. I'm going to clean you up now. Yum".
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm feeling just nauseous thinking about it.
Needless to say I stopped watching it promptly after this, ejected it out of the VCR, threw across the room and took a shower. I tried to scrub away all of those awful things I just seen but instead every single thing that happened to me during my labor came flooding back into my memory assaulting me in the worst way. I tried to put my fingers in my ears and go lalalallalalallalalallaala but I couldn't stop it. It was like torture.
Husband will not be watching this. It's worse than the Exorcist. I want him to know, but I think a couple episodes of A Baby Story will be just fine.

Humbled,
JSC

Sorry Mom

I went to the dentist for my check up and guess what he told me?

Although not exactly necessary, I should look into getting these back on my front row. Seems as though after years of not wearing my retainer, Mr and Mrs Teeth Numbers 7 & 8 are shifting.

Although most of what dear old Mommy has done for me over years goes unnoticed and under appreciated, I must now take a moment to say two things to her. 1) I should've listened to you when you said "you better wear that retainer---all that money---sigh" and 2) I'm sorry.

Wine review

I thought I would make sure that everyone was up to date and remembering my WOM selections from past months.
May: Bogle Chardonnay. Yum Yum Yum this is deeeeeelicous with steak and if you serve it cold, it will serve you well. Hangover: none.
June: HAYMAN & HILL is the WOM for June. For the two special people who had the pleasure of hearing my obsessive meltdown because I couldn't remember the name of this wine, thank you for listening and not telling me that maybe if I would stop drinking, I might remember things from two months ago better. Hayman & Hill is crisp and buttery. I had it with pizza, and although I don't think that's what it's intended to be paired with, it was quite good none the less. Hangover: minimal.
July: Charles Shaw Chardonnay. Yes, two buck Chuck made my list mostly because for 3 bucks you can get a half decent bottle of wine. And with my modeling career at Macy's winding down, I'm a broke bizzo. Hangover: yes.
ICKY WINE ALERT!!!!! Do not, I repeat DO NOT ever think that getting a huge bottle of wine for less than ten bucks is a good deal. It is a bad deal. Especially after the first glass that you choke down and follow with 3 more, you will regret it largely the next morning when your head is pounding, the room is spinning, and no amount of anything makes it better. You will get a hang over very similar to the hang overs they portrayed on the after school specials we all watched growing up (those worked like a charm-sha right).
The culprit: Cavit Pinot Grigio
The victim: Me
The scene of the crime: Home
The hangover begun: 730am Sunday morning
The result: Actually praying for Monday morning to roll around so the healing could begin
The lesson: I'm never drinking again