Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
My kid's will never wear Spider Man anything. EVER.
I have to share this fun little story that happened on Tuesday. It's wildly entertaining.
As the joys of 2nd trimester continue, one of the best and brightest is always having to go to the bathroom. Like all the time. I drink tons of water so it's a given that I will spend a majority of my day on the toilet. My need to go show's no mercy.
Even at J's baseball games.
At the field on Tuesday, I know for a fact that there is one port-o-potty that is really really really far away. But it's there and I find a little happiness knowing that it's there if I need it. I used it once before and it was pretty decent. It didn't stink, was clean, had a little chart on the side saying when it was cleaned (completely up to date) and had a purell dispenser. As far as port-o-potties go, this one was first class. Big sigh of relief, right?
So Tuesday rolls around and before we leave for the game I am contemplating not going because the Gods hate me and have plagued me with allergies so sitting outside doesn't sound too appealing to me. But somewhere between dinner and Husband coming home and J asking if I'm going (You're going, right Mom?) I decide to go. I had an entire bottle of water for dinner plus watermelon but I didn't think much of it because I had the first class port-o-potty just in case. I'm good to go.
So about 20 minutes into the game I decide that maybe the water and the watermelon combined wasn't such a good idea regardless of squeaky clean port-o-potty. But there is no way I can hold it for another hour. Grrrr.
I drag my ass all the way over to the thing when I am about 3 feet from it this little shit head with Spider Man pajama's cuts in front of me. I'm like Really kid? Fine. I'll wait. So I wait. And wait some more and just when I'm about to tap his Mom on the shoulder and urge her to check on her little blond haired devil, he opens the door ever so slowly. He has this sheepish grin on his face and I notice that he is wiping his hand on his pants. And guess what color was left on his pants after he was done wiping it off? BROWN. He was wiping BROWN stuff all over the front of his pj pants. I'm like OH GROSS DID HE JUST WIPE SHIT ON HIS PANTS????? I'm thinking it can't be true because this kid is at least 4 and should know what toilet paper is right? RIGHT? I really have no choice but to go into the potty because now I waited 5 minutes and really have to go and can't think about anything else but peeing my pants and how dumb it was to woof down 10 pieces of watermelon. So I enter the potty and guess what? THERE WAS POOP ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT. This little monster successfully wiped his butt all over the fucking toilet seat. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm going to puke. But I have to go pee. So you know what I did? What any other self respecting pregnant lady does: I toilet papered the crap out of the toilet seat and hovered. Duh.
So I get back to the game and I tell Husband what happened and you know what he said? 'How did you hold yourself up with all that weight?'
I just looked at him and my eyes bugged out for a moment but decided the ludicrousy of the situation is sorta funny and decided to take it as a compliment and answered 'With my head propped up against the door of course.'
Readers please note: do not ever buy anything Spider Man for J or this baby because I will promptly burn it.
Thanks.
As the joys of 2nd trimester continue, one of the best and brightest is always having to go to the bathroom. Like all the time. I drink tons of water so it's a given that I will spend a majority of my day on the toilet. My need to go show's no mercy.
Even at J's baseball games.
At the field on Tuesday, I know for a fact that there is one port-o-potty that is really really really far away. But it's there and I find a little happiness knowing that it's there if I need it. I used it once before and it was pretty decent. It didn't stink, was clean, had a little chart on the side saying when it was cleaned (completely up to date) and had a purell dispenser. As far as port-o-potties go, this one was first class. Big sigh of relief, right?
So Tuesday rolls around and before we leave for the game I am contemplating not going because the Gods hate me and have plagued me with allergies so sitting outside doesn't sound too appealing to me. But somewhere between dinner and Husband coming home and J asking if I'm going (You're going, right Mom?) I decide to go. I had an entire bottle of water for dinner plus watermelon but I didn't think much of it because I had the first class port-o-potty just in case. I'm good to go.
So about 20 minutes into the game I decide that maybe the water and the watermelon combined wasn't such a good idea regardless of squeaky clean port-o-potty. But there is no way I can hold it for another hour. Grrrr.
I drag my ass all the way over to the thing when I am about 3 feet from it this little shit head with Spider Man pajama's cuts in front of me. I'm like Really kid? Fine. I'll wait. So I wait. And wait some more and just when I'm about to tap his Mom on the shoulder and urge her to check on her little blond haired devil, he opens the door ever so slowly. He has this sheepish grin on his face and I notice that he is wiping his hand on his pants. And guess what color was left on his pants after he was done wiping it off? BROWN. He was wiping BROWN stuff all over the front of his pj pants. I'm like OH GROSS DID HE JUST WIPE SHIT ON HIS PANTS????? I'm thinking it can't be true because this kid is at least 4 and should know what toilet paper is right? RIGHT? I really have no choice but to go into the potty because now I waited 5 minutes and really have to go and can't think about anything else but peeing my pants and how dumb it was to woof down 10 pieces of watermelon. So I enter the potty and guess what? THERE WAS POOP ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT. This little monster successfully wiped his butt all over the fucking toilet seat. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm going to puke. But I have to go pee. So you know what I did? What any other self respecting pregnant lady does: I toilet papered the crap out of the toilet seat and hovered. Duh.
So I get back to the game and I tell Husband what happened and you know what he said? 'How did you hold yourself up with all that weight?'
I just looked at him and my eyes bugged out for a moment but decided the ludicrousy of the situation is sorta funny and decided to take it as a compliment and answered 'With my head propped up against the door of course.'
Readers please note: do not ever buy anything Spider Man for J or this baby because I will promptly burn it.
Thanks.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
At least it's legitimate
The previous post must have sparred some funky waves in my brain because this morning at 430am I woke up gasping for air and waving my hands around wildly due to this:
Dream # 3:
Husband and I were at a zoo in the Snake Exhibit. I was looking at a python type snake in a little plastic cage. I thought it was pretty funny that the snake was striking the side of the plastic cage but wasn't getting too far because it was in the cage. Suddenly, I was in the bathroom in the house I grew up in and the snake was out in the hallway. My genius self wasn't about to be conquered by the snake so I tried to shut the door. Only the door wouldn't close all the way. I started screaming 'MOM HELP ME MOM HELP ME' because the snake was coming towards me. I heard her in the distance say 'Oh just give me a minute would ya' Just as she finished saying that I jumped on the toilet to try to get away but it lunged at my face.
That's when I woke up. 430am wake up time, didn't go back to sleep.
Lovely, isn't it? And I didn't even know that I was afraid of snakes. It's never even been on any list of mine of things I am even remotely afraid of.
Ah pregnancy, bringing out the best in me.
Dream # 3:
Husband and I were at a zoo in the Snake Exhibit. I was looking at a python type snake in a little plastic cage. I thought it was pretty funny that the snake was striking the side of the plastic cage but wasn't getting too far because it was in the cage. Suddenly, I was in the bathroom in the house I grew up in and the snake was out in the hallway. My genius self wasn't about to be conquered by the snake so I tried to shut the door. Only the door wouldn't close all the way. I started screaming 'MOM HELP ME MOM HELP ME' because the snake was coming towards me. I heard her in the distance say 'Oh just give me a minute would ya' Just as she finished saying that I jumped on the toilet to try to get away but it lunged at my face.
That's when I woke up. 430am wake up time, didn't go back to sleep.
Lovely, isn't it? And I didn't even know that I was afraid of snakes. It's never even been on any list of mine of things I am even remotely afraid of.
Ah pregnancy, bringing out the best in me.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Weird dreams
I have weird and terrifying dreams A LOT.
Pregnancy hormones only send them into orbit making them unrealistic sounding and far fetched.
Ask Husband or French Kitty the next time you see them and they will tell you that once a week (probably more because I barely remember the times I do wake up) I have a horrific terrifying dream and I wake up screaming or thinking the blankie's are trying to strangle me.
Here are a couple of gems that I can remember freaking my shit out (and no they will not sound scary but in all reality they were):
Dream #1: I was lost in Uptown with Husband. We were going in and out of stores trying to find a record. Why? I don't know. It was raining and the streets were very crowded. We were walking along and ended up in a park. We start running because a YELLOW CLOWN was chasing us. We found a cave and hid in it. We could see him but he couldn't see us and was leering in the cave, laughing.
I woke up from this dream at 3am and didn't fall back to sleep.
Dream #2: I was riding a 10 speed bike on a 4 lane highway but with no cars. I was cold. I was trying to cross the highway and out of no where a little lamb appears. I remember thinking in the dream What the hell is a lamb doing on a highway? Then the lamb attacked me.
I woke up from this dream at 4am and like Dream #1, didn't fall back to sleep. Because of a LAMB.
Told ya. Good thing I'm pregnant because otherwise these dreams certify me as crazy.
Happy Trails,
JSC
Pregnancy hormones only send them into orbit making them unrealistic sounding and far fetched.
Ask Husband or French Kitty the next time you see them and they will tell you that once a week (probably more because I barely remember the times I do wake up) I have a horrific terrifying dream and I wake up screaming or thinking the blankie's are trying to strangle me.
Here are a couple of gems that I can remember freaking my shit out (and no they will not sound scary but in all reality they were):
Dream #1: I was lost in Uptown with Husband. We were going in and out of stores trying to find a record. Why? I don't know. It was raining and the streets were very crowded. We were walking along and ended up in a park. We start running because a YELLOW CLOWN was chasing us. We found a cave and hid in it. We could see him but he couldn't see us and was leering in the cave, laughing.
I woke up from this dream at 3am and didn't fall back to sleep.
Dream #2: I was riding a 10 speed bike on a 4 lane highway but with no cars. I was cold. I was trying to cross the highway and out of no where a little lamb appears. I remember thinking in the dream What the hell is a lamb doing on a highway? Then the lamb attacked me.
I woke up from this dream at 4am and like Dream #1, didn't fall back to sleep. Because of a LAMB.
Told ya. Good thing I'm pregnant because otherwise these dreams certify me as crazy.
Happy Trails,
JSC
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I have to get this off my chest
If one knows me well enough, they know my absolute hatred for traffic. Who really likes traffic I'm not sure but I have heard people try to calm my gripes by offering to take the chance for a little music and me time while battling the stop and go insanism but it just doesn't work. EVER. I am obsessed with finding out why people are slamming on their brakes. I can't help it.
Unfortunately, every single day, I have to fight one of Minnesota's grossest highways: 169. There is no way around it. I have to take it. Unless I invest in one of those car/boat/land truck things, I'm screwed. You see friends I have to cross a very large river, and the one bridge that goes across it is the gateway to work. Not just for me, but for zillions (yes zillions) of other commuters we all have to use this bridge to cross the river to get to our destinations.
I can see this post spiraling way out of control so before I let myself get to heavily invested in my annoyance with said Highway, I am going to get to the point.
The following is a list of reasons why (I think) traffic gets so horribly screwed up. I'd say 98% of them do not make any sense, but rest assured, they are all true (the way I see it anyway).
Eh hmmm....here we go!
Keep in mind that I am not an angry person sitting in traffic, I just want to know why. And knowing is half the battle, no?
Toodles.
Unfortunately, every single day, I have to fight one of Minnesota's grossest highways: 169. There is no way around it. I have to take it. Unless I invest in one of those car/boat/land truck things, I'm screwed. You see friends I have to cross a very large river, and the one bridge that goes across it is the gateway to work. Not just for me, but for zillions (yes zillions) of other commuters we all have to use this bridge to cross the river to get to our destinations.
I can see this post spiraling way out of control so before I let myself get to heavily invested in my annoyance with said Highway, I am going to get to the point.
The following is a list of reasons why (I think) traffic gets so horribly screwed up. I'd say 98% of them do not make any sense, but rest assured, they are all true (the way I see it anyway).
Eh hmmm....here we go!
- Rain
- It looks like it MIGHT rain
- Snow
- It looks like it MIGHT snow
- Accident
- Accident from previous day
- Fog
- Fog in distance
- Sunshine
- Fed Ex truck on fire
- Leaves blowing
- Wind
- Utility truck with orange blinky light on side of road
- Person checking man hole in median with orange vest on
- Dead deer
- Dead deer from yesterday
- Dead deer from 2 days ago
- Dead deer from 3 days ago
- Merging idiots (just let people in for crying out loud. I don't care how long you've been sitting there. They might be lost. Sheeesh)
- Broken traffic light
- Car on side of road
- Cop pulled someone over (nice timing)
- Cop on side of road just sitting there
- An enormous bag of leaves in the lane (OK, this is possibly the only acceptable reason due to the fact that from a distance it looked like a very large animal)
- I don't know, there doesn't seem to be a logical reason
Keep in mind that I am not an angry person sitting in traffic, I just want to know why. And knowing is half the battle, no?
Toodles.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
STFU
I don't know why I decided to entitle this post as STFU. It could be that I just figured out what it meant, or it's more just that I think it's funny. And if you don't, then STFU. In fact, kbl, if you haven't got a new word of the month yet, I say use STFU. It is 4 times the learning in one phrase.
I am quite discouraged to find that I haven't taken any really cool pictures lately. It must be because it's been in the negative digits outside, I'm pregnant and not feeling creative, I can't have a few glasses of wine so everything looks boring, or that I'm lazy. I'd say it's that I'm lazy. But I am acknowledging the problem, and will strive to fix it. I'm all about self improvement.
I did download a few to my flickr site so be sure and check them out when you get a spare minute. I even put a little video of Super Kid on there being the Ninja he is. It's great.
Speaking of pregnancy, I made it to week 15 with no big problems to speak of (and yes I just knocked on wood-be it fake but I still did. Please do the same right now). Isn't that great? Or maybe it's just great to me. Whatever.
I would like to suggest a few movies for you to view. And remember that my opinions are the best.
The first one is Good Luck Chuck. Ever hear of it? Me neither. Husband and I were scrolling thru the movies on HBO and found this one to TiVo. I'm guessing he mostly did it because Jessica Alba was in it but whatever, at least she's pretty. I thought it would be good because it is a comedy and who doesn't like to laugh? Either way this was a GREAT movie. It was really funny. An added bonus for all you couples out there who have husbands or boyfriends who like boobies: this movie has a lot of them in it. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. It was the kind of movie that had a lot of really unexpected things happen in it that made you cringe with laughter. Highly suggest it.
The second one that I am going to talk about is The Knowing. Or Knowing. It's a new movie with Nicholas Cage in it. Husband and I went and seen it in the theater when it first came out. It's always tricky when we go out to see movies because really our taste in flicks couldn't be more different. One of us is always taking one for the team. But this one seemed like it peaked both of our interests so win-win, right? EH no (eh was suppose to be a buzzer sound). This movie was really intriguing until the last 20 minutes then it got all alien on me and I lost all respect for it. It's really too bad because it had some good elements to it in the beginning. Token big eyed pale scary looking little kid, fog, creepy people in the woods, craziness, plane crashes. I guess I would say if you do go see it, leave or stop your DVD when the one lady gets in a car wreck. Then just make up your own ending. It'll be better than the original no matter what. Trust me.
Oh and I would like to suggest a book. I read lots of books and some of them are good, others not so much. When I read one that is not so great, I go for months without reading anything. But then something comes along where it renews my faith in authors and I go on a reading streak.
Now don't get all angry and 'she's not really an author' on me, but just give it a chance. I read Tori Spelling's sTORI Telling in two days. Yes, two days.
Let me tell you why I bought it in the first place: One day I was home with the queses and on Oxygen Channel there was a 'Tori and Dean Inn Love' marathon on followed by 'Home Sweet Hollywood' marathon. Both Tori Spelling reality shows. The thing that got me about her is that she's totally hilarious and super down to earth. She knows what people are saying about her and it's almost like she's doing these things to prove them wrong. One episode in particular that made me like her is when her and her husband were in Germany doing press for her book or the show I can't remember which. Anyway, they went to some restaurant that was in a Bed and Breakfast of sorts. She ate a whole bunch of food and the food didn't like her so much so she had to rush off to the bathroom. They go from showing her walking into the bathroom (which was in some guests room that she didn't know because they had no public toilets that she could find) to her rushing out of it and back to the table where she urgently tells her husband 'Dean, we have to go NOW. I just had a major diarrhea explosion in the bathroom and the toilet overflowed all over the floor. LET'S GO!'. That's funny.
So that's why I bought the book and that's why after taking only 2 days to read it, I suggest it.
Plus I grew up watching 90210 and she gives a lot of inside dish about the show. Who doesn't love that?
So now that I've rambled on endlessly about nothing, I will release you from my blog claws.
Remember to STFU.
I am quite discouraged to find that I haven't taken any really cool pictures lately. It must be because it's been in the negative digits outside, I'm pregnant and not feeling creative, I can't have a few glasses of wine so everything looks boring, or that I'm lazy. I'd say it's that I'm lazy. But I am acknowledging the problem, and will strive to fix it. I'm all about self improvement.
I did download a few to my flickr site so be sure and check them out when you get a spare minute. I even put a little video of Super Kid on there being the Ninja he is. It's great.
Speaking of pregnancy, I made it to week 15 with no big problems to speak of (and yes I just knocked on wood-be it fake but I still did. Please do the same right now). Isn't that great? Or maybe it's just great to me. Whatever.
I would like to suggest a few movies for you to view. And remember that my opinions are the best.
The first one is Good Luck Chuck. Ever hear of it? Me neither. Husband and I were scrolling thru the movies on HBO and found this one to TiVo. I'm guessing he mostly did it because Jessica Alba was in it but whatever, at least she's pretty. I thought it would be good because it is a comedy and who doesn't like to laugh? Either way this was a GREAT movie. It was really funny. An added bonus for all you couples out there who have husbands or boyfriends who like boobies: this movie has a lot of them in it. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. It was the kind of movie that had a lot of really unexpected things happen in it that made you cringe with laughter. Highly suggest it.
The second one that I am going to talk about is The Knowing. Or Knowing. It's a new movie with Nicholas Cage in it. Husband and I went and seen it in the theater when it first came out. It's always tricky when we go out to see movies because really our taste in flicks couldn't be more different. One of us is always taking one for the team. But this one seemed like it peaked both of our interests so win-win, right? EH no (eh was suppose to be a buzzer sound). This movie was really intriguing until the last 20 minutes then it got all alien on me and I lost all respect for it. It's really too bad because it had some good elements to it in the beginning. Token big eyed pale scary looking little kid, fog, creepy people in the woods, craziness, plane crashes. I guess I would say if you do go see it, leave or stop your DVD when the one lady gets in a car wreck. Then just make up your own ending. It'll be better than the original no matter what. Trust me.
Oh and I would like to suggest a book. I read lots of books and some of them are good, others not so much. When I read one that is not so great, I go for months without reading anything. But then something comes along where it renews my faith in authors and I go on a reading streak.
Now don't get all angry and 'she's not really an author' on me, but just give it a chance. I read Tori Spelling's sTORI Telling in two days. Yes, two days.
Let me tell you why I bought it in the first place: One day I was home with the queses and on Oxygen Channel there was a 'Tori and Dean Inn Love' marathon on followed by 'Home Sweet Hollywood' marathon. Both Tori Spelling reality shows. The thing that got me about her is that she's totally hilarious and super down to earth. She knows what people are saying about her and it's almost like she's doing these things to prove them wrong. One episode in particular that made me like her is when her and her husband were in Germany doing press for her book or the show I can't remember which. Anyway, they went to some restaurant that was in a Bed and Breakfast of sorts. She ate a whole bunch of food and the food didn't like her so much so she had to rush off to the bathroom. They go from showing her walking into the bathroom (which was in some guests room that she didn't know because they had no public toilets that she could find) to her rushing out of it and back to the table where she urgently tells her husband 'Dean, we have to go NOW. I just had a major diarrhea explosion in the bathroom and the toilet overflowed all over the floor. LET'S GO!'. That's funny.
So that's why I bought the book and that's why after taking only 2 days to read it, I suggest it.
Plus I grew up watching 90210 and she gives a lot of inside dish about the show. Who doesn't love that?
So now that I've rambled on endlessly about nothing, I will release you from my blog claws.
Remember to STFU.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
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