My kid's will never wear Spider Man anything. EVER.

I have to share this fun little story that happened on Tuesday. It's wildly entertaining.

As the joys of 2nd trimester continue, one of the best and brightest is always having to go to the bathroom. Like all the time. I drink tons of water so it's a given that I will spend a majority of my day on the toilet. My need to go show's no mercy.
Even at J's baseball games.
At the field on Tuesday, I know for a fact that there is one port-o-potty that is really really really far away. But it's there and I find a little happiness knowing that it's there if I need it. I used it once before and it was pretty decent. It didn't stink, was clean, had a little chart on the side saying when it was cleaned (completely up to date) and had a purell dispenser. As far as port-o-potties go, this one was first class. Big sigh of relief, right?
So Tuesday rolls around and before we leave for the game I am contemplating not going because the Gods hate me and have plagued me with allergies so sitting outside doesn't sound too appealing to me. But somewhere between dinner and Husband coming home and J asking if I'm going (You're going, right Mom?) I decide to go. I had an entire bottle of water for dinner plus watermelon but I didn't think much of it because I had the first class port-o-potty just in case. I'm good to go.
So about 20 minutes into the game I decide that maybe the water and the watermelon combined wasn't such a good idea regardless of squeaky clean port-o-potty. But there is no way I can hold it for another hour. Grrrr.
I drag my ass all the way over to the thing when I am about 3 feet from it this little shit head with Spider Man pajama's cuts in front of me. I'm like Really kid? Fine. I'll wait. So I wait. And wait some more and just when I'm about to tap his Mom on the shoulder and urge her to check on her little blond haired devil, he opens the door ever so slowly. He has this sheepish grin on his face and I notice that he is wiping his hand on his pants. And guess what color was left on his pants after he was done wiping it off? BROWN. He was wiping BROWN stuff all over the front of his pj pants. I'm like OH GROSS DID HE JUST WIPE SHIT ON HIS PANTS????? I'm thinking it can't be true because this kid is at least 4 and should know what toilet paper is right? RIGHT? I really have no choice but to go into the potty because now I waited 5 minutes and really have to go and can't think about anything else but peeing my pants and how dumb it was to woof down 10 pieces of watermelon. So I enter the potty and guess what? THERE WAS POOP ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT. This little monster successfully wiped his butt all over the fucking toilet seat. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm going to puke. But I have to go pee. So you know what I did? What any other self respecting pregnant lady does: I toilet papered the crap out of the toilet seat and hovered. Duh.
So I get back to the game and I tell Husband what happened and you know what he said? 'How did you hold yourself up with all that weight?'
I just looked at him and my eyes bugged out for a moment but decided the ludicrousy of the situation is sorta funny and decided to take it as a compliment and answered 'With my head propped up against the door of course.'

Readers please note: do not ever buy anything Spider Man for J or this baby because I will promptly burn it.
Thanks.