Blinded by the light

5 days until I am done hating life at 4 hour 10 minute intervals.
5 days until I can casually snack on a chocolate bar, cookie or skittle.
5 days until I can exercise without worrying about the repercussions of sweating too much and leaking everywhere.
5 days until I never have to utter the words 'pump and dump' after drinking a glass or two of wine.
5 days until I can happily drink wine with my sausage, green pepper and onion pizza.
5 days until I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night with big sore boobies that are hard as rocks and ready to burst.
5 days until I don't have to lug the stupid machine back forth with me where ever I go.
5 days until I don't have to lift my shirt up in the bathroom at work and get super fucking cold.
5 days until I can eat the spiciest of spicy foods (look out BDubs).
5 days....oh the glory of it all.

Wishing I had a time machine,
JSC

Merry Christmas

I hope this comes out the right way

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I'm suppose to be.
Am I suppose to be a Mom?
Am I suppose to live in this house?
Am I suppose to have this job?
This has all come full circle in the past few weeks where I've come to realize that yes, this is exactly where I'm suppose to be. That every single solitary decision I have made has led me to this place right here.
But then this led me to question why? Why am I in this place right here right now? Is it for a bigger reason that I don't know about?
Like what if I decided to not go online that one night while babysitting sisters kids and poke around on that Internet dating website and had that one fleeting little 'why not' moment and sign up? If I hadn't, I never would have met Husband. Would I have met him in some other capacity? But if I didn't, I wouldn't have perfect daughter right now. Isn't that weird? That one little tiny decision led me to her.
And that could be the answer of why. Why am I here? Because if I wasn't here, then I wouldn't have her. And maybe she is going to bring me someone else in the far off future that will impact my life in some grand way. I guess it's a little bit of a snowball effect.
So, it is a little early for New Years resolutions, but I think I know mine already (and this could just be life teaching me an odd lesson of revelations after 33 years): I am going to be confident in every decision I make. I am not going to question it because it will lead me to things that are suppose to happen.
Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

Clearly,
JSC

Tragic Morning (aka the morning where everything went wrong and then some)

4:40am: Perfect daughter starts squawking. Lay in bed and wait for it to stop. It doesn't.
4:45am: Decide that perfect daughters bedroom floor is the best place to lay down and wait for perfect daughter to launch pacifier out of mouth and start crying like I've never fed her before.
5:00am: The crying begins.
5:10am: Feed daughter. Notice that there is a small black thing in her bottle. Worry excessively that it is a fruit fly. Pretend it's not there knowing that in a couple of years she will be eating dirt and maybe a worm or two.
5:30am: Feeding ends, diaper changed and now I must pump. Plop daughter in car seat because I need an audience.
5:31am: Hook myself up to the stupid machine and turn it on. It doesn't turn on. What the fuck stupid machine? Why aren't you working? Turn off and on about 50 times.
5:35am: Realize I don't have it plugged in. Hate the machine even more.
5:45am: Done pumping. What's that smell? Ah gawd perfect daughter pooped.
5:47am: The poop manages to smear up daughters back, down one leg and foot.
5:50am: Clean up daughter with baby wipes and change outfit.
6:00am: Shower time for me. Put squeaky clean daughter back in car seat and bring her in the bathroom with me.
6:01am: I step into shower and she starts crying. Naturally.
6:02am: For lord knows what I reason I step out of the shower and try to search for daughters pacifier while dripping all over the place. Find pacifier behind her ear after searching under each arm and butt area.
6:10am: Perfect daughter actually falls asleep while I'm blow drying my hair. Nice!
6:20am: Start the car because it's 5 below outside. Declare hatred for Minnesota winters once again.
6:30am: Buckle blissfully sleeping daughter in car seat. Wait a minute, why is she all wet? FUCK. I got her all wet trying to find her pacifier in the shower.
6:31am: Change outfit again and now perfect daughter is screaming at me because she was sleeping and now she's not.
6:35am: In the car finally!
6:45am: Arrive at daycare. Start to panic because I can't find pacifier.
6:50am: (yes a full five minutes later) Realize pacifier is in my hand.
6:51am: As I scurry up to the door I step in dog poop. I'm not kidding.
7:00am: Leave daycare hoping and praying that I make it to work without running over Bambi.

Like I have said dozens of times before, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

JSC

The full version is best

Listen,

JSC

To My Husband

JSC

Why I hate...

My breastpump:

1. It's messy

I'm not trying to be positive so you can stick your sunshine up your ass,
JSC

Buzz Kill

I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,
JSC

Another confusing exchange

Last night at the dinner table, the following conversation took place between J and I (remember, J is 9 years old)

J: Mom, have you ever used acid?
Me: Oh my gawd, WHAT?
J: You know, acid? Like, when you were in college or before you had me?
Me: What are you talking about? Where did you hear about this?
J: My teacher. She told me she did when she was in college.
Me and Husband simultaneously: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
J: Acid. Like in your Chemistry class or somethin'? We learned all about it in Science today. Did you know that there is acid in vinegar?
Me (thankful that my sweet little boy and his teacher aren't talking about hallucinogenic drug use): No buddy, I didn't know there was acid in vinegar. Go on...

Baffling, isn't it?
JSC

To: Those Guys who wrote the handbook for my breast pump

Dear Sirs (because there is no way a woman wrote this manual):
Your handbook is crap. Total crap. You keep repeating the phrase 'using your breast pump should not be uncomfortable' and I would like to declare that utter and complete bull shit. I am here to let all of you know that it is uncomfortable. There is nothing enjoyable about it (and YES I know that breast milk is best and it is designed especially for your child yadda yadda yadda HUSH). It feels like someone is giving you a titty twister repeatedly for however long you can endure the pain. Remember titty twisters? I didn't until I started using this thing. The last time I got a titty twister was before I had noted titty's and I think it was my sister who doled them out and it hurt, like a lot. Why don't you mention how to take the stupid tubes off your boobs without making a complete mess? Hmmmmm? I don't see that mentioned anywhere in your brightly colored instructions! I go from getting a boob squeeze for 15 minutes trying to pretend that whatever is on TV is really really interesting to taking the tubes off my boobs and having little droplets of boob milk land on my tummy or run down my sides. I couldn't figure out why my daughter got so upset every time I put her down and I figure it's probably because to her, I smell like food. Putting her in her crib just pisses her off because I smell like a walking candy isle to her. Not cool people, not cool at all.
Please re-write your manual with testimonials from people like me so then at least the consumers will know what they are getting into. Thanks.
Sincerely,
JSC

BAM! Bitches

I stepped on the scale today and I only have 8 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-Chloe weight!

hahahhahahhahahhahahaa

BAM!,
JSC

Sleeeeeepy

My days

Here is a little preview of how my days have been since the arrival of Ms Chloe:

2am: My 'shift' with Chloe starts
2:01am: Chloe starts crying so I feed her, burp her, change her diaper (usually twice because you can't poo in an already dirty diaper-you have to wait until the clean one is on)
2:40am: Chloe smiles in her full tummy haze and I don't care about the diaper episodes
2:50am: Chloe falls asleep
3:00am: Shit, time to pump
3:15am: Done pumping
3:15-4:30am: I try to doze off on the couch. Most of the time this doesn't happen because Chloe plays a game where she wants her pacifier but it falls out because she wants to cram her hand in her mouth instead and this wakes her, causes mass hysteria. We play this game until her next feeding
4:30am: Feed Chloe (see 2:01am routine)
5:00am: Fuck, time to pump again
5:20am: Decide it doesn't really make sense to try to go to sleep, so I just stay awake and watch Good Morning America or the Today Show
7:00am: Feed Chloe
7:50am: J comes upstairs, time to feed him breakfast. Whew, easy stuff. Cereal or oatmeal. Hope that he is not crabby. Oops, that was dumb. He's always crabby in the am.
8:00am: Try to shove J out the door in 10 minutes but he's complaining about something. Give him granola bar. Ahhhhh....he's all better.
8:10am-3:00pm: Try to do stuff inbetween pumping, feeding Chloe, checking e-mail (and FB Hello?!?! I do have priorities!), remembering what day it is, taking a walk, returning phone calls (doesn't ever happen), sort the giant pile of mail on my desk and breathe.
3:01pm: Shit, did I pump? Eat lunch? Get the mail?
3-6pm: Feed Chloe, eat dinner. Oh crap, I didn't take a shower. Oh well.
6-7pm: I don't know.
7pm: My shift ends. Night night. Well, this is suppose to be my bed time, but I have to pump again. Blasted!
8pm: k, now it's bed time. Oh look, The Real Housewives of Atlanta is on. Must watch.
9pm: Seriously, I'm going to bed now. See you at 2am.

I should be more tired but I'm just not, or maybe I am,
JSC

This just in

I received a bill for my daughter's stay at the spa hospital.
$18,254.46.
Donations gladly accepted.

Gasp,
JSC

Spa Hospital

I've thought about this post for a couple of days now and I think I've come up with a good way to fill you in on the details of my labor experience without going into too much detail.
Really, there aren't too many gruesome details to explore in the first place. I mean, there was blood, and a lot of it, but there wasn't any screaming or punching or fighting with nurses or doctors. Basically, it was just time. And lots of it. Lots and lots and lots and lots of waiting around for my body to kick it into high gear. I'd say the first 15 out of 21 hours (yes I said 21) I was at the hospital, was just a big waiting game.
Call me crazy, but my experience all and all was kinda like going to the spa. The nurses were always asking if I needed anything (can you say endless supply of peanut butter toast? omg), I got fed breakfast lunch and dinner with food that really wasn't too bad. It was all proportioned correctly and some of the meals came with dessert. Husband even 'snuck' me in a big fat piece of chocolate cake to which the kind nurses said 'oh go ahead, YOU DESERVE IT'. Sha, ya think?
During the hardest part of my labor I got to take a warm bath (twice!) with ultra cool bubbles and jets and mood lighting. When things stalled out a bit and being as I was exhausted, they gave me a shot of morphine and I got to take a nap. Really, what can I complain about? Even after I got the epidural and it didn't fully take effect, I got to have it AGAIN. I mean, where else can you go to get food, be waited on, get drugs and then get more drugs when they don't fully numb you? This shit should be illegal!
Things got real scary for us at the very end with some umbilical cord issues, but she came out perfect and screaming and healthy.
Looking back, the very worst parts about my time in the hospital were these 3 things: them taking that awful full back sticker off (remember I had the epi twice so the 1st time it tore the hair off, the 2nd time felt like they tore the skin off), getting into our recovery room at 2am only to be woken up at 430am to pee (OUCH) and then walk around the halls in a complete epi haze, and the absolute worst thing about my labor experience was that one nurse who was checking my cervix in the very beginning who had hands the size of a 5 year old and I swear to you her entire ARM was up my crotch and the pain, oh the pain I felt while she tried to find my cervix, was worse than anything I went thru after that.

Toodles,
JSC

100th post

Introducing:

Chloe Elizabeth (aka Ninja aka Daughter Extraordinaire).

Labor details to follow, because who doesn't want to know about that?

Mom of the Year for what I went thru but I'm not really complaining because just look at what I have now,

JSC

You heard me

Dear Ninja,
Thank you for listening to me. We did it. We made it to Week 37. You are now full term and can come out and play whenever you feel like it. Weather it be today, tomorrow, next week, the week after OR even the week after that, I am just fine with it. Good baby. You will forever think Santa is real.

See you soon,
Mommy


Side note: My next post will be my 100th (!) and I will use it to announce Ninja's arrival and all the fun details that I am sure will ensue.

Warning

There might be some new lurkers to Paper Castles via the baby blog or from NorCalMrs' blog so I wanted to give them a quick shout out (heyyyyy) and a little warning...
Paper Castles is meant for me to vent without a lot of thought or judgement. About anything and everything. Please know that in reading some of these entries you might be offended, start blushing, or maybe even start sweating a little. Like in real life, I swear A LOT. It's not something that I'm particularly proud of, but whatever, it's just what I do. If you get all uppity about swear words, then DON'T READ THIS BLOG. If you feel like your opinion of me might change by reading some of the entries, then please go back to just reading the baby blog. That is G rated. This is R rated.
One other suggestion, if you really really really insist on continuing to read this, please know that I am not trying to offend you, I'm just being me. I like to think that everyone who reads this is like me: open minded, likes making fun of things, and drinks heavily (I'm tempted to write something about not drinking while I'm pregnant but I guess if you really think I would do that then you have bigger problems then I know how to deal with).
Oh and in my little land of unicorns and fairies, people think I'm hysterical.

You have been warned,
JSC

FAT

Don't ever feel bad about gaining weight.
I had back to back doctor's appointments this week-one on Monday and one on Tuesday.
Both of the appointments were at 1120am.
The nurse lady weighed me at each appointment and guess how much weight was gained in between appointment #1 and #2?
FOUR.
I somehow managed to gain FOUR pounds in 24 hours. I think the nurse lady felt sorry for me so she said the scale was wrong, then blamed it on the medication I am taking. Husband must have felt equally bad because he tried to blame it on maybe me wearing more clothes at appt #2 then at appt #1 (but really I was wearing the exact same outfit because I don't give a shit anymore). Nice thoughts but I think the root of the problem is with me and my obsession with Twinkies.

Oink,
JSC

Odd

Remember a while back I told you all about that pregnancy website I belong to that gives you weekly updates on what's going on with you and your baby? Here's the update I got this morning, and it's weirdness is right on par with the other one:

Welcome to Month 8 preggers! You have by now successfully made it
thru most of your pregnancy and the best is yet to come!
Your belly is now the size of a basketball, watermelon or the planet
Saturn. People have taken a keen interest in looking at it and if it makes
you uncomfortable, TOO BAD! Get used to it. This is especially
relevant if your belly button is poked out. So after people get a good
look at your belly, there eyes will float center and gawk at your protruding
belly button. Oh My Gosh! Look! It's a belly button on that
big fat pregnant lady! Look at it again, one more time, ok all better now?
No? That's ok, look again! Good times preggers! Even more fun,
your belly is so huge, that it actually makes your ass look smaller! How
perfect is that??????
In utero, your baby likes to kick, jab and punch. Especially your
bladder ribs and hips. This is a fun game that prepares you to not be
so irritated by your child when it comes out and pukes on you. If your
lucky, your little one will get the hiccups at 3am lasting for at least a half
an hour preventing you to sleep. Hey, think about it this way, you will
look like a whale as well as looking like you haven't slept in a week but your ass
will still look tiny! Whoo Hoo!
Only a few short weeks to go until you get to go thru labor and
delivery! That will be your next update so hang in there fatty!

Isn't that odd?

I'm fat,

JSC

Ode to Mini Me

I had a chat with little niece M last night, it makes me smile and confirms that her parents got it all wrong when they didn't just name her right after me:

Me: Do you like fajitas?
M: Yea.
Me: Do you like green peppers, red peppers and onions?
M: No, I only like orange peppers.
Me: Ok, either way when you come over we'll have fajitas!
M: Yea, I like potatoes.
Me: What? No, fajitas.
M: What? Cheetos?
Me: No. FAJITAS. Say it with me FA-HEEEEEE-TAAAAAS
M: What? Fa-Rita's? What are those?
Me: Never mind, potatoes it is.

Just goes to show that no matter how awful a nights sleep I have (waking up sneezing, wheezing, scratchy throat, eyes watering, tossing and turning because my hips feet & fingers fell asleep, snot running down my face-yea I'm pretty glamorous) there are still things to laugh about.

Life is fun,
JSC

I hope you can hear me

Dear Ninja,
It has gotten to the point in your long existence where you think you are in charge of me and I want to remind you that you are not. I am in charge little one and when I say you can't come out, you must not come out. I am dying to meet you, don't get me wrong. I can't wait to see your chubby (emphasis on chubby because you will be in my tummy long enough to acquire chub) little face and inspect all of your toes and fingers. I can't wait to find out what you are, a little girl or boy? I think regardless of your gender, you have taken on your Dad's assertiveness by insisting on trying to make an early debut. And it seems you have taken on my impatience for, well, just about everything in the same regards. Really though, I need you to stay in me, because that's where you belong, at least for another 5 weeks. C'mon, you can make it that long, right? It's nice and warm in there isn't it? I know it's cramped, but you will have many many many years to spread your wings and fly. Just stay put damn it.
Your big brother told me yesterday that he is going to teach you how to spell Mom. Won't that be fun? He's going to be a great big brother and is excited to meet you, but even he says it's too early and he's only 8.
Plus, remember the other night when I was all freaked out and I started talking to you about this and I made a little promise to you that if you stuck around on the inside for the next month, I would buy you whatever you want on your birthday's and I will never ever ever ever ever tell you that Santa doesn't exist? Remember that?
Love,
Mommy

Diary of a Pig

This is what I had to eat yesterday (now you will see why I am 100% shocked and amazed that I haven't gained about 100 pounds in this pregnancy because I eat like this at least three times a week and have decided that exercise is for show offs):

Breakfast (or what I woofed down between 6am-noon):
Bowl of Multi-Grain Cheerios
OJ
3 honking pieces of Beer Bread
Sour cream and chive wheat thins (at least half a box)
Granola bar
Piece of cheese

Lunch (or what I devoured between noon-530pm):
Pomegranate applesauce
Spaghetti dish (mmmmmm noodles)
More beer bread
Cheetos
Tiki Punch Shasta
Twinkie
Regular applesauce
Cashews
And if that's not enough, on my way home from work I decided that this was absolutely necessary to function before dinner:
A LARGE chocolate dipped cone from Dairy Queen

Dinner (can you believe that I still had room to eat from 530-6pm?):
Strawberries and raspberries
Sour cream and onion chips
Grilled chicken with Ranch (naturally)
Even more beer bread (this time slobbered with a one inch layer of butter)
I thought about eating a HoHo but refrained from the temptation

So yea, I won't be surprised if at my dr appt tomorrow and I step on the scale and it says 'STOP EATING YOU MAD WOMAN'

I'm hungry again,
JSC

We love Jackie Boldt

Click here to see why.

Ug

Dear Insomnia,
Go away. Your presence in my night life is causing great damage to my ability to post new posts for my friends to laugh at. I hate you.
Until you go away, I will not be writing much.
Thanks a lot jerk,
JSC

Hint

We have a strong contender for a girl's name.

It was heard by me in this song.

Although it may not come screaming out at you, it's in there.

Any guesses?

JSC

Your dumb

Dear person in the red Explorer with a yellow shirt on driving down 169 this morning riding my ass like I was driving any faster or slower than the person in front of me would allow and who continued to try and kiss my bumper all the way to my businsess park and gave me the finger as I pulled into my parking lot,
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF
ASSHOLE
I hate you and hope you get a flat tire or chipped windshield,
JSC

Does anyone know where I can get one of those yellow diamond shaped things that suction to your window that says Pregnant Lady on Board BACK THE FUCK OFF?
If so, let me know right away or kindly buy me one and I'll pay you back with Thank You's.

What do you mean I can't have sugar?

I have a dr appointment today where I have the pleasures of getting the glucose test. What's a glucose test you wonder? I'm not 100% sure but I think it means they are seeing if I'm developing gestational diabetes. What does that mean? I don't know. All's I know is that I can't eat an hour before the appointment and I have to 'go light' and not 'gorge myself' on sugar beforehand says my dr.
Um, excuse me, do you know me dr person?
Clearly you don't. Because if you did, you would know that me staying away from sugar is like trying to walk with no feet, making yellow cake without chocolate frosting, or thinking that little niece M is not a complete duplicate of myself (this was confirmed by a story I heard last night about her thinking a conversation about Pop Tarts and ants was actually about cantaloupe---still laughing!).
I love sugar. Me and sugar are friends and if I don't interact with it, it will think I am upset with it and we don't want sugar hurt or sad. How am I suppose to not eat sugar when there is a jumbo size box of Twinkies in the break room that I bought at Sam's Club yesterday because they looked so delicious? How am I not suppose to just open up the one drawer in my desk and not eat an almond Hershey bar? How am I suppose to pretend that a Swiss cake roll isn't in my purse? How am I suppose to ignore the big bowl of candy sitting directly in front of me full of Tootsie Rolls (probably pretty easily being as they are the the last thing I would eat but guess what's in them? SUGAR)? My stomach is growling just thinking about all these things.
I guess I'll just have to suck it up until after the appointment, which I might like to add, is at 1130am. Who scheduled this anyway? Why would you schedule an appointment where you can't eat an hour beforehand over lunch hour? Idiots! (It was me FYI but I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?).
Hopefully I'll survive today, if not, all my worldly belongings (ie ummm, wait, I know I have something, hmmmm, nope...I guess I don't have anything...oh well).

Hungry,
JSC

I really wish I was joking

We've started the fun task of finding a daycare for Ninja baby. If I could skip this process, I would, but it's something that is unavoidable. If there is one for sure area of my life that I tend to be more judgemental than others, it would come in the form of finding daycares. Rightfully so, these people take care of the most important thing on earth to me.

After some research, I found this lady on my county website, so she was licensed and close by home. Other than her having openings, nothing struck me as extra ordinary about her. She didn't have anything more or less than any other person I checked out. We set up a meeting for this past Monday.
I shit you not, I am not making any of it up. I'm really not that creative at this point.

I google directions and it seems odd to me, but if memory serves me correct, her address is an apartment. I decide that maybe I don't know the area well enough and go anyway. I drive up to the address and it's a house, but it is in fact right smack dab in the middle of about 4 apartment complexes. I'm trying to keep an open mind and not turn around because the driveway up to her house is super bumpy and full of potholes. I look around and see a fenced in yard with outdoor play sets, but there's no grass, it's all dirt. Still going to try. I walk up to the door, with J, and knock. All I hear is little kids screaming 'Someone's at the door!' for about a full minute. Some dude opens it about half way and asks very hesitantly 'Can I help you?' I'm like yeah, do you want to buy some bibles? Just kidding, that's what I should have said. Instead I say I'm here for a meeting with so-and-so and he let's me in. He immediately starts telling me about some traffic jam somewhere in the metro area and I'm like oh that's nice. I can't really hear him that well because there are 3 or 4 little toddlers screaming there heads off and it's echoing. After about 2 minutes, the lady I set the appointment up with who looks like she hasn't bathed or put on a clean shirt in a couple days come bumbling around the corner, baby on hip. She doesn't really introduce herself but starts talking about the kids that are there but they aren't suppose to be or something like that. Honestly I can't remember anything because her voice was really fucking loud. I thought she was just talking loudly because of the kids, but as she's talking, she starts taking me on a tour of her maze of house and her voice never lowered. She was shouting, and I was wincing. Still trying to keep an open mind, she leads me upstairs where I meet her helper person who seemed nice enough but kept yawning. We sit down on a love seat with the loud talker on the the couch. That's when I start noticing things: her house was messy, not dirty, but messy. There was stuff everywhere. She starts talking about her policies and the ENTIRE time she was picking a zit on her chin. I swear by the end of the hour I was there, she widdled a little whole on her face from all the picking. She also had something really weird going on with her bottom lip. It stuck out causing her to drool and spittle when she talked. It was so distracting. J, by this time, is bored out of his gord and she noticed (good sign, right?). She asked him if he wanted to go play outside with her husband and daughter and he said sure. She said he could just go thru the kitchen and out the sliding door. And this is where things went from maybe this chick just talks loud and doesn't like to shower to there is no way in hell I'm coming back here.
J went to the door and couldn't figure out how to open it and asked for some help. She gets up right away (another good sign, right?) and proceeds to walk over to the door. During this short little jaunt, HER FUCKING PANTS FELL OFF. I shit you not, her pants fell to her knees and I got a really frightening view of her underwear. If this would have happened to me, I more than likely would have started laughing and apologize. Not this chick. She just kept walking and talking and babbling about her policies. I glance over at the helper/yawner and she didn't seem fazed by it at all. Like it's normal for her pants to drop at random times. Totally weird. She let's J out and comes back, pants barely back on and from this point on, I stop listening. She could've said Sign up now and I'll pay off your house! and I wouldn't heard it or cared. Sorry, I know things happen sometimes, but if I knew I was having someone come over that might possibly give me money, I would take a shower and put a belt on. But that's just me.
After a while, I take my keys out of my purse and start walking towards the door saying something about dinner and being hungry. I go get J from outside and she follows me, yammering on the whole way. I finally make it in the car and I'm like 'oh my gosh!!!!' and J was all 'What? What's wrong?' Kids...

I have a couple more interviews lined up and for the love of pete, they have to go better than this, right???????
Like I've said before, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Pray for me,
JSC

SAC weekend

So, as mentioned below, I hung out with my Super Awesome Cousin all weekend, I'm going to call her SAC for all intensive purposes.
We had a grand ole time while she was here.

We ran in a 5k where she placed 9th out of 181 women, and I placed 181st because I walked my pregnant ass around the lake. But I didn't see any other pregnant people out there so technically that means I'm the winner. Duh.

I brought with my 25 dollar Camelbak water bottle because I can't function without it. Just so you know.

We went to the Sculpture Garden after that where SAC and I made almost every single piece of art there into something dirty. Is this wrong? Yes. Were we doing what everyone was thinking of doing? Yes. (see picture in post below). I posted most of those photos on my Flickr site so check them out there. But there is one that I will post here, and it is SAC with a giant piece of turd coming out of a drain pipe:

That's art.

After all that running and sweating and poking fun at arting, we were tired, so we went back to my place and took naps. I love naps and so does SAC. That's awesome.

Our plan was to meet up with MN sister and NAW at McGovern's Pub in St Paul but I (thought) I left my precious Camelbak at the lake where the 5k was. I couldn't find it when we got back so I wanted to check, just in case it was there. (long shot I know but I spent good money on the thing and I'm in love with it). So we go back to the lake and look around for about 20 minutes, peeking in all the garbage's, looking in the bathrooms, along the gutters but to no avail, it wasn't there. Totally bummed we walk back to my car and I wonder if maybe it just didn't roll underneath my seat.
This is where I think the best moment of the trip happened for me. SAC didn't really pick up on any Minnesotan accents, she just picked up on my terrible sailor mouth tendencies. As soon as I looked underneath the seat I seen my beautiful water bottle and exclaim Here it is!
SAC didn't quite share my enthusiasm, says this:
Mother Fucker!!
That's funny.

Giddy with pleasure that I found my water bottle and that I have corrupted SAC's language, we head over the the restaurant and had a lovely dinner with all the free popcorn one can handle.

On our way out, we happened to cross a professional photographer (see: college stoner) and he took our picture:


-------------------------------------
She left the next day, full with the knowledge and influence of my potty mouth and too much food. I had such a great time hanging out with her and getting to know her better. Husband liked her too. How great is that?

I hope the next time I see her it'll be in Philly and she can show me how people are suppose to drive (traffic lights being a mear suggestion) and meet her dogs.

On an unrelated note: You were right, I was wrong, I think ninja is a girl.

Craving apple pie,
JSC

Future post

I have the next post almost ready to go about my weekend with my cousin, but just to tide you over until then, here's a picture to set the mood:


:

Hi Pretty!

I've seen some pretty cool pictures, but this one takes the cake over anything I've seen in a long time.

Hey bandwagon! Wait for me!

I'll admit it right now that I did not want to read this book. I thought the whole concept of it was outlandish, ridiculous, all about vampires (which I also think is stupid) and geared towards 12 year old girls.

About a year ago a friend of mine, well actually, two friends of mine told me that I would love it. I was like 'I like you girl but your crazy'. But they both insisted that it was a great book that is more a love story than anything else. Every single time I got together with the one friend, she would try to put the book in my purse and if that didn't work, shove it down my throat. I got tired of fighting her about it so I caved and said FINE give me the silly book.

Well, I must say that they were right. 100% right. I started reading it and couldn't put it down. I am now an obsessed cow and will more than likely see the movie (oh my gawd!) and am in the process of obtaining the rest of the books in the series.

Good thing I don't have an I'm always right complex.

Run along now and read it,

JSC

How I'm feeling today

A confusing exchange 2

I posted A confusing exchange on my other blog so high tail it over there if you want a little giggle.

I wanted to post a couple of winners here as well:

Boss man: Hey, smell this piece of paper.
Me (excited at the notion of smelling piece of paper for reasons I can't explain): BIG sniff
Boss man: Haahahahahhahaahahaa it smells like fart doesn't it? I got it from (some client) in the mail today and my whole office stunk. I couldn't figure out what the foul smell was and finally figured out that it was this peice of paper. ahahahhahahhaah I can't believe how big of a whiff you took hahahahahhahaha
Me: That's gross. Seriously, my baby is going to come out with webbed feet because of you.
Boss man (moves on to the next person): Hey, smell this piece of paper.

Here's another gem (we were talking about Baby Shower games):

Co-worker: You could play pin the umbilical cord on your tummy.
Me: What?
Co-worker (proceeding to animate playing the game): My turn, here I go! I'll stick it right...here. Oops, that was a little low! Hahahahahhahahahha
Me (blank stare): There's something wrong with you.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Happy 4th of July.

JSC

For the love of gawd what was I thinking?

I feel like I should point out some obvious things before I start with another fun story:
1) I have been thru labor 2) I did not get an epidural 3) I don't freshly recall a lot of the details except that it felt like I was being sawed in half 4) I never screamed GIVE ME DRUGS 5) It went by really fast but in reality it lasted half a full day 5) I swore up and down left and right that I would never have sex again after it was done.
With those things said, I should have really just thought a little bit harder about my experience because it turns out that just because I don't freshly remember the events, doesn't mean that they are not lingering in my subconscious somewhere waiting to attack. This was proven by last nights events.
I told husband that because I am all knowing in the labor room (taking on a smarty pants attitude about this is not a good idea because I am actually panicking after last night) that we do not need to endure a 6 week coarse or a Saturday Express class on labor and delivery and all of the fine details that ensue. BUT I did tell him if he wanted to, that we could for his sake. The option of not going to the class would be to read some books out loud to each other and RENT A VIDEO. He choose the later. I felt happy. We saved ourselves a precious Saturday and 85 bucks.
Eh-hmm.
Hi, I'm genius, nice to meet you. See, this is where my smarty pants-ness got in the way. I've seen the video and it was gross. It was disgusting. I didn't learn shit from it other than fear. But this was before I went thru labor. And now that I have, I felt like I could weather the video again. It's harmless. I've seen gross things since then (ie Two Girls and a Cup) It would be like watching cartoons or the History Channel. Mind numbing nothingness, right?
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG
I went to the library last night to check out a labor video and they only had one VHS available. It was filmed in the late 70's early 80's which should have been a huge blaring red sign that I should have just waited for the more recent DVD to be shipped over from the other library. But I figure it was a good night to preview it before laughing at Husband while he watches it (he was out last night). Oh the hilarity I had imagined as I watched him watching a baby coming out of some other ladies vagina and sneering at him 'see what you are going to put me thru?' type comments for an hour. Yea, not so much.
I pop in the VHS into the VCR that I don't think has ever been used and fast forward thru the introductory stuff but begin to notice that this is going to be really hard to stomach because of the 'stars' of the show are hideous. Not like seeing good looking people would make it less horrific, but wait, yes it would've. The 'stars' were probably two of the ugliest people I've ever seen. 1979 or not they were not attractive. They were all...I don't know...hairy. Like everywhere. I mean, if I knew I was going to be on TV, I would at least try and put forth the effort and shave my upper lip or tell my husband to put on a clean shirt. C'mon people.
Anyway, I get to the point where this women is about to give birth and the camera suddenly zooms in about 1 cm from her much needed bush wack of a vagina and I start feeling dizzy. I'm like, uh-oh, I can't watch. I am literally sitting there with one eye closed and one eye squinting behind my fingers in horror of what I am witnessing. Luckily, the nurse lady talked her thru all of it. It went something like this:
"Push just a little bit---good---can you feel that? It's your babies FOREHEAD sticking out of your vagina---ok stop now. I know it's stretching so dr here is going to cut you. Oops, did that sting a little? See that's what you get for not wanting any drugs you hairy fool. Ok, push again, here comes her shoulders! Stop again---hurts doesn't it? We are going to clean out your babies nostrils right now instead of in 2 seconds just so you feel the burn of shoulders stretching out your lady business. There we go. Hey new Dad! Look at your wife's totally stretched out crotch. Sexy isn't it? Here comes your baby's arm---while the rest of her is still in you, our totally obnoxious doctor is going to tell you to look down and force a wave from her to you. Isn't that cute? Ok, big push now! Oops, you pooped a little, that's ok, I'll make sure the guy holding the video camera zooms in on it so everyone can see your shit. Wow, that was fun. While we clean up your baby, we are going to show the delivery of the placenta because everyone wants to see a big blob of alien come out of your bloody crotch. Ok, all done. I'm going to clean you up now. Yum".
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm feeling just nauseous thinking about it.
Needless to say I stopped watching it promptly after this, ejected it out of the VCR, threw across the room and took a shower. I tried to scrub away all of those awful things I just seen but instead every single thing that happened to me during my labor came flooding back into my memory assaulting me in the worst way. I tried to put my fingers in my ears and go lalalallalalallalalallaala but I couldn't stop it. It was like torture.
Husband will not be watching this. It's worse than the Exorcist. I want him to know, but I think a couple episodes of A Baby Story will be just fine.

Humbled,
JSC

2 timer & other things

I have another blog. It's all about the baby.
It's pretty PG, I've got Grandma's looking at it.

This week so far has been exhausting in the sleep arena. Some of it is my own fault but the past couple of nights I will thank my CHILDREN (see I can say that now-weird!). J has been having nightmares not far off coarse from mine. Last night he said that he dreamt an ostrich bit his head off. That was at 330am. Just as I was about to fall back to sleep, Not Oscar kicked and/or jabbed me with all of it's ninja sassiness that I literally jolted forward.
Thanks kids, Mama will thank you later for all this in the form of a nice Hawaiian vacation alone.

On a completely unrelated note, I want to give three shout outs:
1) Welcome Back NorCalMrs. We all missed you and I am glad that at least one of us gets to own and use a passport.
2) Welcome Back VT sister. We all missed you and what you have accomplished is amazing. Especially wearing a bikini to a work dinner party, that takes some balls.
3) Thanks to who ever is reading my blog(s). I try to keep them entertaining and hope you continue following me in my adventures in suburbia. As long as I know there are at least 1 or 2 of you keeping tabs on me, I'll keep writing.

Carry on,
JSC

Names

In the past few weeks, we've been tossing around names for Super Baby. Being as we don't know if this little gremlin is a boy or a girl, our list is pretty long.
Sometimes people name their kids after people they love, places they've been, things they like or just because they thought it sounded cool.
The only stipulation I have about this baby is that we keep it simple. So there is no doubt in anyone's feeble heads how it's pronounced.
With that in mind, I have compiled a list of names that we are considering. It should be fairly obvious which is a boy name or girl name. Use your best judgement and please let me know your favorite:

• Ranch Dressing
• Ketchup (no middle name)
• Dave Matthews
• Not Oscar
• Penny Lane
• Rocket Ship
• Kit Kat
• Chocolate Cake (CoCo for short)
• Forever Young
• Pepto Bismol
• Cutie Pie
• Suzy Q
• Ninja Gymnast

Toodles,
JSC

Sob Fest at 7am

In case you don't know me, or have been living under a rock, I love the Dave Matthews Band. All time fav. I heard this song this morning on the way into work and was singing along to it and by the time it reached the end, I was sobbing. I couldn't help it.

Blech.

Reflection

My kid's will never wear Spider Man anything. EVER.

I have to share this fun little story that happened on Tuesday. It's wildly entertaining.

As the joys of 2nd trimester continue, one of the best and brightest is always having to go to the bathroom. Like all the time. I drink tons of water so it's a given that I will spend a majority of my day on the toilet. My need to go show's no mercy.
Even at J's baseball games.
At the field on Tuesday, I know for a fact that there is one port-o-potty that is really really really far away. But it's there and I find a little happiness knowing that it's there if I need it. I used it once before and it was pretty decent. It didn't stink, was clean, had a little chart on the side saying when it was cleaned (completely up to date) and had a purell dispenser. As far as port-o-potties go, this one was first class. Big sigh of relief, right?
So Tuesday rolls around and before we leave for the game I am contemplating not going because the Gods hate me and have plagued me with allergies so sitting outside doesn't sound too appealing to me. But somewhere between dinner and Husband coming home and J asking if I'm going (You're going, right Mom?) I decide to go. I had an entire bottle of water for dinner plus watermelon but I didn't think much of it because I had the first class port-o-potty just in case. I'm good to go.
So about 20 minutes into the game I decide that maybe the water and the watermelon combined wasn't such a good idea regardless of squeaky clean port-o-potty. But there is no way I can hold it for another hour. Grrrr.
I drag my ass all the way over to the thing when I am about 3 feet from it this little shit head with Spider Man pajama's cuts in front of me. I'm like Really kid? Fine. I'll wait. So I wait. And wait some more and just when I'm about to tap his Mom on the shoulder and urge her to check on her little blond haired devil, he opens the door ever so slowly. He has this sheepish grin on his face and I notice that he is wiping his hand on his pants. And guess what color was left on his pants after he was done wiping it off? BROWN. He was wiping BROWN stuff all over the front of his pj pants. I'm like OH GROSS DID HE JUST WIPE SHIT ON HIS PANTS????? I'm thinking it can't be true because this kid is at least 4 and should know what toilet paper is right? RIGHT? I really have no choice but to go into the potty because now I waited 5 minutes and really have to go and can't think about anything else but peeing my pants and how dumb it was to woof down 10 pieces of watermelon. So I enter the potty and guess what? THERE WAS POOP ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT. This little monster successfully wiped his butt all over the fucking toilet seat. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I'm going to puke. But I have to go pee. So you know what I did? What any other self respecting pregnant lady does: I toilet papered the crap out of the toilet seat and hovered. Duh.
So I get back to the game and I tell Husband what happened and you know what he said? 'How did you hold yourself up with all that weight?'
I just looked at him and my eyes bugged out for a moment but decided the ludicrousy of the situation is sorta funny and decided to take it as a compliment and answered 'With my head propped up against the door of course.'

Readers please note: do not ever buy anything Spider Man for J or this baby because I will promptly burn it.
Thanks.

At least it's legitimate

The previous post must have sparred some funky waves in my brain because this morning at 430am I woke up gasping for air and waving my hands around wildly due to this:

Dream # 3:

Husband and I were at a zoo in the Snake Exhibit. I was looking at a python type snake in a little plastic cage. I thought it was pretty funny that the snake was striking the side of the plastic cage but wasn't getting too far because it was in the cage. Suddenly, I was in the bathroom in the house I grew up in and the snake was out in the hallway. My genius self wasn't about to be conquered by the snake so I tried to shut the door. Only the door wouldn't close all the way. I started screaming 'MOM HELP ME MOM HELP ME' because the snake was coming towards me. I heard her in the distance say 'Oh just give me a minute would ya' Just as she finished saying that I jumped on the toilet to try to get away but it lunged at my face.
That's when I woke up. 430am wake up time, didn't go back to sleep.

Lovely, isn't it? And I didn't even know that I was afraid of snakes. It's never even been on any list of mine of things I am even remotely afraid of.

Ah pregnancy, bringing out the best in me.

Weird dreams

I have weird and terrifying dreams A LOT.

Pregnancy hormones only send them into orbit making them unrealistic sounding and far fetched.
Ask Husband or French Kitty the next time you see them and they will tell you that once a week (probably more because I barely remember the times I do wake up) I have a horrific terrifying dream and I wake up screaming or thinking the blankie's are trying to strangle me.
Here are a couple of gems that I can remember freaking my shit out (and no they will not sound scary but in all reality they were):

Dream #1: I was lost in Uptown with Husband. We were going in and out of stores trying to find a record. Why? I don't know. It was raining and the streets were very crowded. We were walking along and ended up in a park. We start running because a YELLOW CLOWN was chasing us. We found a cave and hid in it. We could see him but he couldn't see us and was leering in the cave, laughing.
I woke up from this dream at 3am and didn't fall back to sleep.

Dream #2: I was riding a 10 speed bike on a 4 lane highway but with no cars. I was cold. I was trying to cross the highway and out of no where a little lamb appears. I remember thinking in the dream What the hell is a lamb doing on a highway? Then the lamb attacked me.
I woke up from this dream at 4am and like Dream #1, didn't fall back to sleep. Because of a LAMB.

Told ya. Good thing I'm pregnant because otherwise these dreams certify me as crazy.

Happy Trails,
JSC

I have to get this off my chest

If one knows me well enough, they know my absolute hatred for traffic. Who really likes traffic I'm not sure but I have heard people try to calm my gripes by offering to take the chance for a little music and me time while battling the stop and go insanism but it just doesn't work. EVER. I am obsessed with finding out why people are slamming on their brakes. I can't help it.
Unfortunately, every single day, I have to fight one of Minnesota's grossest highways: 169. There is no way around it. I have to take it. Unless I invest in one of those car/boat/land truck things, I'm screwed. You see friends I have to cross a very large river, and the one bridge that goes across it is the gateway to work. Not just for me, but for zillions (yes zillions) of other commuters we all have to use this bridge to cross the river to get to our destinations.
I can see this post spiraling way out of control so before I let myself get to heavily invested in my annoyance with said Highway, I am going to get to the point.
The following is a list of reasons why (I think) traffic gets so horribly screwed up. I'd say 98% of them do not make any sense, but rest assured, they are all true (the way I see it anyway).
Eh hmmm....here we go!

• Rain
• It looks like it MIGHT rain
• Snow
• It looks like it MIGHT snow
• Accident
• Accident from previous day
• Fog
• Fog in distance
• Sunshine
• Fed Ex truck on fire
• Leaves blowing
• Wind
• Utility truck with orange blinky light on side of road
• Person checking man hole in median with orange vest on
• Dead deer
• Dead deer from yesterday
• Dead deer from 2 days ago
• Dead deer from 3 days ago
• Merging idiots (just let people in for crying out loud. I don't care how long you've been sitting there. They might be lost. Sheeesh)
• Broken traffic light
• Car on side of road
• Cop pulled someone over (nice timing)
• Cop on side of road just sitting there
• An enormous bag of leaves in the lane (OK, this is possibly the only acceptable reason due to the fact that from a distance it looked like a very large animal)
• I don't know, there doesn't seem to be a logical reason

Keep in mind that I am not an angry person sitting in traffic, I just want to know why. And knowing is half the battle, no?
Toodles.

STFU

I don't know why I decided to entitle this post as STFU. It could be that I just figured out what it meant, or it's more just that I think it's funny. And if you don't, then STFU. In fact, kbl, if you haven't got a new word of the month yet, I say use STFU. It is 4 times the learning in one phrase.
I am quite discouraged to find that I haven't taken any really cool pictures lately. It must be because it's been in the negative digits outside, I'm pregnant and not feeling creative, I can't have a few glasses of wine so everything looks boring, or that I'm lazy. I'd say it's that I'm lazy. But I am acknowledging the problem, and will strive to fix it. I'm all about self improvement.
I did download a few to my flickr site so be sure and check them out when you get a spare minute. I even put a little video of Super Kid on there being the Ninja he is. It's great.
Speaking of pregnancy, I made it to week 15 with no big problems to speak of (and yes I just knocked on wood-be it fake but I still did. Please do the same right now). Isn't that great? Or maybe it's just great to me. Whatever.
I would like to suggest a few movies for you to view. And remember that my opinions are the best.
The first one is Good Luck Chuck. Ever hear of it? Me neither. Husband and I were scrolling thru the movies on HBO and found this one to TiVo. I'm guessing he mostly did it because Jessica Alba was in it but whatever, at least she's pretty. I thought it would be good because it is a comedy and who doesn't like to laugh? Either way this was a GREAT movie. It was really funny. An added bonus for all you couples out there who have husbands or boyfriends who like boobies: this movie has a lot of them in it. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. It was the kind of movie that had a lot of really unexpected things happen in it that made you cringe with laughter. Highly suggest it.
The second one that I am going to talk about is The Knowing. Or Knowing. It's a new movie with Nicholas Cage in it. Husband and I went and seen it in the theater when it first came out. It's always tricky when we go out to see movies because really our taste in flicks couldn't be more different. One of us is always taking one for the team. But this one seemed like it peaked both of our interests so win-win, right? EH no (eh was suppose to be a buzzer sound). This movie was really intriguing until the last 20 minutes then it got all alien on me and I lost all respect for it. It's really too bad because it had some good elements to it in the beginning. Token big eyed pale scary looking little kid, fog, creepy people in the woods, craziness, plane crashes. I guess I would say if you do go see it, leave or stop your DVD when the one lady gets in a car wreck. Then just make up your own ending. It'll be better than the original no matter what. Trust me.
Oh and I would like to suggest a book. I read lots of books and some of them are good, others not so much. When I read one that is not so great, I go for months without reading anything. But then something comes along where it renews my faith in authors and I go on a reading streak.
Now don't get all angry and 'she's not really an author' on me, but just give it a chance. I read Tori Spelling's sTORI Telling in two days. Yes, two days.
Let me tell you why I bought it in the first place: One day I was home with the queses and on Oxygen Channel there was a 'Tori and Dean Inn Love' marathon on followed by 'Home Sweet Hollywood' marathon. Both Tori Spelling reality shows. The thing that got me about her is that she's totally hilarious and super down to earth. She knows what people are saying about her and it's almost like she's doing these things to prove them wrong. One episode in particular that made me like her is when her and her husband were in Germany doing press for her book or the show I can't remember which. Anyway, they went to some restaurant that was in a Bed and Breakfast of sorts. She ate a whole bunch of food and the food didn't like her so much so she had to rush off to the bathroom. They go from showing her walking into the bathroom (which was in some guests room that she didn't know because they had no public toilets that she could find) to her rushing out of it and back to the table where she urgently tells her husband 'Dean, we have to go NOW. I just had a major diarrhea explosion in the bathroom and the toilet overflowed all over the floor. LET'S GO!'. That's funny.
So that's why I bought the book and that's why after taking only 2 days to read it, I suggest it.
Plus I grew up watching 90210 and she gives a lot of inside dish about the show. Who doesn't love that?
So now that I've rambled on endlessly about nothing, I will release you from my blog claws.
Remember to STFU.

Why I deleted my Facebook account

Because I thought it was dumb.

Oh boy

Here is yet another song that I heard just a mere 10 minutes ago and had me weeping like a little girl (sorry Mom, I tried, but you said if I need to cry to just let it out).
Have the kleenix handy...

New Symptom: Road Rage

Hi Friends
As I awaken from 1st trimester coma, I have a new found appreciation for making it thru the day without a)throwing up on my dentist b)crying c)feeling nauseous and d)hating life.

There is one exception and an extension that goes with d though. I don't literally HATE life please know that, I actually value it very highly. It may be my over-zealous hormones with maybe just a little displaced anger sprinkled in for fun but lately I have been out of control behind the wheel. Back in my 20s (eeesh did I just write that?) I knew I was a bad driver. I would speed, swerve in traffic, slam on my brakes and honk my horn a lot. I didn't care and thought it was funny that people thought I was a bad driver. Years go on, a car accident and one Super Kid later and I've calmed down quite a bit. I don't drive slow, I just drive very cautiously. Mabye a little too cautiously according to some people but I prefer to be on the safe side. Sue me. One big thing that changed my habits for the greater good is being a passenger in the car with Husband. Oh how I love him dearly but put me in the car with him and I turn into a nervous wreck. I'll spare you the details but I will say that I shut my eyes a lot and tell him to STOP at the top of my lungs at least 5 times no matter where we go. Anyway...
Forward on to the past week or so and I have turned into a bitch on wheels. People who ride my bumper have always peeved me off. I now seek revenge. I did it yesterday and today.

Yesterday some lady decided going 60mph in a 50mph zone wasn't fast enough but I didn't move over into the next lane because I had to turn into J's daycare. Sure as shit she continued to ride my ass the whole mile up to the turn lane. Well well well lookey lou who is turning into daycare right behind me but this lady. I was so angered by her that instead of holding the door open for her as I walked into the building (because of course she was walking really close behind me as well) I let the door slam on her face. You have to punch in a little code to get into the daycare so I thought that added a little salt to the wound. You also have to punch in a code when you pick your child up and I decided that taking my time to do this added the little extra punch. Why is she in such a hurry anyway. Calm down. Or maybe I should but who cares. I'm pregnant. Leave me alone.
This mornings incident was similar. Some lady was riding my ass but I didn't move because I was turning. First chance she got she sped around me and in turn, I rode her ass all the way to work. It was just a big fat coincidence that she works in the same business park as me. Ha Ha Beeee-otch!
I know this is unhealthy behavior. I know it's unsafe. Save me the lecture, k? I get a small satisfaction in knowing that I am contributing to the golden rule: Don't mess with pregnant woman on the highway or you will pay!!!! ahahahhahahahhaaa
Just kidding.
And I know that's not the golden rule.

Weird, right?

So I belong to a few pregnancy websites. You know the ones where they give you weekly updates as to what is going on with you and the baby? Ya, those.
I thought it was alarming at first, but then slightly magical that one of them told me this:

This week your little one is the size of a lemon or lime. A good size lemon, like the one you buy when you get a case of Corona on a hot summer day. Your uterus is the size of a grapefruit. This will scare you so your eyes are going to bug out of your head like two strawberries.

Changes with you are really making themselves known. You are going to acquire something technically called pregnancy neural dysfunction or more simply, Pregnancy Brain. Pregnancy Brain means you will do things you wouldn’t normally do because you are preoccupied with the thought of a little person inside of you, labor, and breastfeeding. Pregnancy Brain side effects include: thinking the water in the shower is cold when it really isn’t, dropping your rubber band that is keeping your pants on in the toilet after peeing, not knowing how to differentiate between 12AM and 12PM, reading 200+ page books in one day, thinking that 9 hours of sleep is not enough, unrealistic bargaining with husband, walking up at 2am to pee, thinking that cherry 7up is the best thing since your wedding day, crying uncontrollably, overanalyzing situations and not vacuuming like you usually do every Wednesday.

As the weeks progress unfortunately Pregnancy Brain just gets worse. Hopefully you have a husband who will understand that you are still in there somewhere and that you will re-emerge after the pregnancy with the help of a couple bottles of Kendall Jackson (wink wink).

See...weird, right?!!?!?!?!!

Vomit!

Hi Everyone
I have a doctors appointment today.
I'm nervous.
Wish me luck.


Oh---I have no idea what the shiz is going on with my background. It just up and disappeared and I've been too busy, preoccupied with myself, and nauseous to pinpoint the problem and fix it. Hopefully everyone will be ok with this boring stark white background for the time being.

Sorry Friends

You know that feeling you get right before you vomit? Especially the night of or morning after a alcohol induced frenzy? The kind of woozy you feel where you know for a fact that your head is not moving, but it feels like it is like after getting off a spinny ride? That oh my gosh just make it stop go away please now? The feeling that it would just be better if you actually did throw up so you didn't feel like you got kicked in the gut by a two year old? The one where even if you have a couple slices of toast and some OJ it just makes it worse, not better? When you are about a couple of seconds away from telling someone at work you think you are having a heart attack and you get all sweaty but don't because then they would think you are crazier than you already are? Or when someone says to you 'Ya know, you don't look so good. In fact, your lookin' a little green' (this was actually said to me by my boss)? Ever feel that way?
I have. Everyday since said previous posts' announcement. For about 5 hours out of my waking day. I'm not kidding.
I thought that having the case of the vomits that one day would make the feeling a little less but guess what? It didn't go away. Blasted 1st trimester!
The worst example thus far was on Thursday, when I had my dentist appointment. I wasn't feeling well at all but decided to just go and get it over with. I told them I was preggers and not feeling well but the lady insisted on 'just taking a look see' anyway. I sat in the chair, she put the obnoxious napkin around my neck and proceeded to push the magic button and the chair started it's trip to upsidedown city. About the time my head was 2 inches from the floor, every feeling I described above started to happen and before I knew it I my light lunch came back up my throat, out of my mouth, and onto the floor. So I thought. After collecting myself I noticed that it got on the dental hygienist lady's leg. Oh the fucking horror.

Please be patient with me if I don't post for a while. Things like this are hard to overcome.

A New Super coming soon.

Where have you been?

Where have you been for real? Neglecting my poor little blog I think.
How dare you.
A small update:
Sister and I ran (walked) in another 5k yesterday on Valentine's Day and I've been busy sleeping since then. Husband did in fact download the pictures but I can't find them so I guess until then I won't be posting.
But I am here, alive and well, snuggling with a blankie most nights, sleeping by 8pm (who am kidding? More like 730pm).
Much to report but without the pictures it just won't pack in the same punch.

Be well friends.

Give me an N!

One of my favorite blogs to poke around on is Clever Girl Goes Blog. She had a challenge recently for all of her followers and it was that she would assign a letter of the alphabet to you and then you would write about 10 things you lurve starting with that letter. The lovely CGGB assigned me with the letter N. So here goes nothing friends (and you can certainly bet that I will label this post 'work with me'):

1. Noodles. Duh. Like I even have to describe why I love noodles. Who doesn't?
2. Nothing. Mama loves to do nothing. Be it starring at the tv or starring out the window. I find myself being blissfully happy doing nothing.
3. Nieces. I looooooooove my nieces. Every single last one of them. I want to gobble them up to pieces.
4. Night. Night + starry nights + sleeptime + sleeping + quiet + uninterrupted + warm blankies = happy mama.
5. Neighborhood. What can I say? I love my neighborhood. When I first moved there I sorta thought it was like living in the Twilight Zone because everyone mowed their lawns on the same day but after a while I grew accustomed to seeing the same houses, people and pretty lawns day in and day out. It's comforting actually.
6. Nerds. Like the candy. Who doesn't love Nerds? I don't know who doesn't but I do. I had a little box of them just yesterday. The strawberry kind. Mmmmmmm...nerds.
7. N*SYNC. Shut up.
8. Nacho cheese. I could dip just about anything in nacho cheese. Chips, fruit, bread, veggies. You name it, I'm dippin'.
9. News. I have some.
10. Newborns. :)

Anyone else game just let me know. I'm bossy so assigning you a letter and telling you to do something isn't a stretch for me.

Toodles

Super

MOM

Hi Friends
A new addition to Paper Castles will be MOM.
MOM=Movie of the Month.
I have fallen off the WOM wagon (not making any sense at all if you think about it. I might have a case of diagnoses dyslexia) and decided that MOM made more sense. I will give you my biased opinion of what you should watch and why. Remember that my opinions are the best and I don’t care about yours.
I have already advised you to go out and see Four Christmas’ so let’s consider this Decembers MOM. For many many many reasons this movie is great. First and foremost it is funny. Like laugh out loud funny. Husband and I were cracking up throughout it and I even witnessed Husband knee slap. The story line is easy to follow and characters not completely out there. It really is worth seeing twice. For those of you who have seen it, how funny was the baby puking scene at the end? Brilliant! Plus, it’s never difficult for me to watch Vince Vaughn. Very handsome indeed.
For January’s MOM I decided on Juno. Please, for the love of whatever God you trust, go see this movie. I enjoyed it from the moment it started to the very end and every minute in between. I don’t need to go over the basics like it was written by a woman from Minnesota, is set in Minnesota, has won many a awards and has an excellent soundtrack.
The reason why I like this movie so much is because it is all about emotion and perception. The trickiness of relationships and honesty.
The part that got to me, in short, was when after Juno had her baby, she was laying in the hospital bed all curled up. She was crying. In walks her boyfriend who just lays with her and holds her.
I saw myself in that scene. I was that girl. 8 years ago I was the one laying in a dull hospital room with the currents drawn, scared out of my mind and an emotional wreck. It brought me back to that day, that moment, that second where I was completely overwhelmed and lost. Unlike the movie, nobody came in and laid with me. I had a baby daddy who stole money from me out of my purse when I wasn’t looking and took a check and wrote it out to cash. BUT, I did have a handful of visitors. I remember wanting to put on a brave face and I tried with all my will to act natural when I held Super Kid, but I always felt like I was going to break him and silently panicked when he moved because I thought…I don’t know…I thought he would suddenly have super strength and throw himself out of my arms and fall to the ground.
Whew! So…like I said, just go see it.
You won’t regret it.

TIHLSWLS

It's been a while...

• I urge you to see the movie, Four Christmas', like I urge people to nap.
• Husband does not hold on to things like I do.
• I have a super cool cousin.
• I felt like smoking for the first time in 3 years last week.
• Throwing up is really lame.
• Flannel sheets are the best invention.
• I will never tire of hearing Tales of Napoleon.
• The prospect of getting a new cell phone has turned me into a giddy 13 year old.
• Beef Stew = Bliss.
• I think I have water stuck in my ear.
• I miss summer.

A letter of honesty

Dear Minnesota:
It's cold out. Too effing cold. I don't like it. I left the garage this morning and the rear view mirror thermometer said 0 degrees. By the time I reached the end of the street, it said -27.
-27.
Really? Could it get any colder? Probably not.
People are forgetting their manners and driving like complete idiots. I have lost count of how many cars I have witnessed speeding and darting in and out of lanes only to start spinning around in circles and into the ditch or other vehicles. Just this morning, I seen a red trans-am looking car speed up ahead of me (excuse me for driving the posted speed limit of 35 on a winding side street) only to spiral out of control and cream into an unsuspecting Accord going the opposite dircetion. Ever hear of black ice? Look it up buddy.
Let's not forget my 2+ hour commute home the other day because of the snow storm you placed on our laps ALL DAY. Thanks a lot.
In efforts to ease my nerves and my nagging, please get warmer promptly, or I will be forced to move someplace tropical.

Like Brazil.

Lutsen Pictures

Here are two pictures from Lutsen:

&

That's me on the left and Super Kid way down in front of me.

There are more on my Flickr site. Click on the link to view them!

Pity? Party of One?

Well, so much for resolutions. Mine for this year is pretty grand compared to last years and the years before (2008-Don't eat McDonald's, 2007-no pop, 2006-stop smoking). This year I wanted to stay more positive, more optimistic, be more happy.
Shah, that resolution was blown January 2nd. Won't go into details but I will say that there was nothing cheerful about my night.
Thinking that one little night couldn't deter me, January 5th rolled around. Although this story has a silver lining, I can't remember the last time things seemed so incredibly terrible.
We arrived back home from Lutsen on Sunday, all of us exhausted. Super Kid was in bed sleeping by 630pm, me 7pm and Husband 830pm. One would think after 11 hours of sleep I would feel refreshed and ready to go, and I was for the majority of the day, but then 4pm came and I hit a major wall. My head started to hurt, I got all icky frustrated at nothing, and the thought of going grocery shopping was just making it worse. But I had to go. We had no food in the house after being gone. Husband and I agreed earlier in the afternoon to have taco's for dinner so my main focus was remembering all the stuff needed: meat, lettuce, cheese, the taco kit box etc. I pick up Super Kid and head to Target to get taco stuff and other things for the week. Head still pounding. Bags under eyes getting darker and darker. My frustration heightened when I kept running into this lady. Every place I went, she went. Every isle I went down, she was right there. Has this ever happened to you? Normally I don't know if I would have noticed, but this day I did. I smiled at her at first contact but then I just got annoyed. Moving on, I get through the grocery shopping and back home where Super Kid needs to get started on his homework, groceries need to be put away, cat puke wiped up. All of these things I wanted, for no reason, to be done by the time Husband got home. So I'm rushing around and I go in the pots and pans cupboard to grab the meat pan and at the same time open the cupboard where the taco kits are. Upon picking up the meat pan, it's lid which is glass, was sitting on top of it.
Guess what happened next?
It slid off as I picked it up and shattered to the ground. Glass everywhere. I mean everywhere. I had no idea that a lid about 10 inches in circumference, could shatter so far and wide. I just stood there for a second in disbelief. I said 'I can't believe that just happened.' And then a moment later, I look to see that we don't have any taco kits and I forgot to buy one at the store. The next moment I hear the garage door opening. Great, Husband is home and will walk into this mess I have made. So I fly down the stairs into the garage to grab the broom and I blurt out 'I dropped the lid' practically in tears. Poor Husband was like 'What????' I go back in, hands shaking, trying not to completely lose it, and start sweeping up the glass. Husband comes in and sees the mess and I just fell apart. I start sobbing 'I forgot the taco dinner kit' and you know what he did? He hugged me. Right there, in the middle of a glass filled kitchen, hugging me saying 'What's wrong?' and 'It's ok, you didn't know we didn't have the taco kit, we can have taco's tomorrow' and 'we have another lid' For about 5 minutes, I just stood there and cried, and he held me.
All the while, Super Kid is sitting at the kitchen table, doing his homework. At some point, and I honestly don't know when, he slithered downstairs and started playing with his Lego's. I can't imagine what he was thinking.
I cleaned up the glass and decompressed in our bedroom. I came out about 30 minutes later to find Super Kid finishing up some soup. This is what he said: 'Mom, I feel really bad for you that you dropped the lid. Really bad. It's OK though, everyones clumsy every once and a while.'
What would I possibly do without them?
Really, I think I'm the luckiest girl alive. Sure, we all have our icky moments. Super Kids whines and cries with the best of them. Husband gets stressed out and is crabby. But seriously, without these two, I don't know what I would do.
I know this is such a minor thing to complain about and I know other people have much much larger problems than these. This is just one night in the life of me. So I thought instead of dancing around blog postings talking about things that are nonsensical, I would share a blurb of how real my life can be.
So the next time you have a crappy icky frustrating night, you know that you are not alone, and that we are all in this together, going through the same stuff. On some level.

Have yourself a good day...

Happy New Year!

We arrived back safe and sound from our skiing adventure in Lutsen. I'll post more details and photos in the coming days. Whew! What a great time we had!!!
Quick special thanks to NorCalMrs who changed her blog, so I changed mine too.
I never claimed to be a leader, so why start now?
Kidding of course.
Not really.