4:40am: Perfect daughter starts squawking. Lay in bed and wait for it to stop. It doesn't.
4:45am: Decide that perfect daughters bedroom floor is the best place to lay down and wait for perfect daughter to launch pacifier out of mouth and start crying like I've never fed her before.
5:00am: The crying begins.
5:10am: Feed daughter. Notice that there is a small black thing in her bottle. Worry excessively that it is a fruit fly. Pretend it's not there knowing that in a couple of years she will be eating dirt and maybe a worm or two.
5:30am: Feeding ends, diaper changed and now I must pump. Plop daughter in car seat because I need an audience.
5:31am: Hook myself up to the stupid machine and turn it on. It doesn't turn on. What the fuck stupid machine? Why aren't you working? Turn off and on about 50 times.
5:35am: Realize I don't have it plugged in. Hate the machine even more.
5:45am: Done pumping. What's that smell? Ah gawd perfect daughter pooped.
5:47am: The poop manages to smear up daughters back, down one leg and foot.
5:50am: Clean up daughter with baby wipes and change outfit.
6:00am: Shower time for me. Put squeaky clean daughter back in car seat and bring her in the bathroom with me.
6:01am: I step into shower and she starts crying. Naturally.
6:02am: For lord knows what I reason I step out of the shower and try to search for daughters pacifier while dripping all over the place. Find pacifier behind her ear after searching under each arm and butt area.
6:10am: Perfect daughter actually falls asleep while I'm blow drying my hair. Nice!
6:20am: Start the car because it's 5 below outside. Declare hatred for Minnesota winters once again.
6:30am: Buckle blissfully sleeping daughter in car seat. Wait a minute, why is she all wet? FUCK. I got her all wet trying to find her pacifier in the shower.
6:31am: Change outfit again and now perfect daughter is screaming at me because she was sleeping and now she's not.
6:35am: In the car finally!
6:45am: Arrive at daycare. Start to panic because I can't find pacifier.
6:50am: (yes a full five minutes later) Realize pacifier is in my hand.
6:51am: As I scurry up to the door I step in dog poop. I'm not kidding.
7:00am: Leave daycare hoping and praying that I make it to work without running over Bambi.
Like I have said dozens of times before, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
JSC
1 comment:
All I was thinking is...damn, you get a lot done in a short amount of time. I can't even get out of bed and make breakfast in less than an hour. You are good!! Sorry your morning was so shitty though.
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