Aaaaaack! Run for cover!!!!!!

A wild animal is still at large after many hours of search. It was last seen roaming the streets of YOUR neighborhood and is fiercely dangerous.

This endangered species is distinguished by big hypnotizing eyes and no ears. I repeat, NO EARS.

It is only known as 'frenchious kitykatous'.

If faced with this wildebeest, RUN. It will run after you and try to make you think it is just a harmless earless feline, but it is not. As soon as it gets within striking distance, it will sniff you to death and lick your arm until the skin falls off.

'Frenchious kitykatous' also has termites. Yes, termites. Not fleas. Termites.

If seen, please call your local nut-ball, I'm sure it belongs to her.

Ink a ink a bottle of ink, the cork fell out and you stink

My lovely sister is thinking about getting a tattoo.
I have two, well three all together but one was covered up by another. So speaking from hoards of experience, here is my suggestion to her as to what she should get.
It's pretty mellow, but still has that wow factor she might be looking for.

Tattoo's are lifetime commitments, they will be there weather you want them to or not. People will look at them and either think your off your rocker for having it or on a good day they will say 'wow, what a cool tattoo'.

It's funny because little kids are the best when it comes to tattoos. On a recent camping trip the little kid camping next to us came right up to me and said 'I like your tattoo, my dad has one too!' He was just so excited to tell me.

So give it some hard thought before inking yourself for life sister, and for the love of Pete, don't put it on the back of your leg. You'll regret it. Trust me.

Things not to do while naked

• Chat it up with your neighbors
• Go to work
• Take a bike ride
• Weed
• Set up a tent
• Pretend like your not...at the zoo
• Give a Power Point presentation
• Try to explain to a cop when he pulls you over for not signaling
• Buy lunch at Subway
• Parent Teacher Conferences. Awkward!
• Funeral
• Play dates
• Pick up a prescription at Walgreen's
• Sing karaoke
• Yoga
• Hiking

Any other suggestions?

We made it!

Yeah! We all made it thru another fun filled week to Friday!
Here is a song I know you will love, just give it chance, listen to it twice. It will grow on you, promise.
If I could offer any advice to you, it would be to just be happy you are alive. Really, it's a big deal.
No snarky comments today friends.
Have a lovely weekend.

You shouldn't be laughing at this, but you will.

TIHLSWLS

• Everyone I know has a sense of humor, but you.
• Yes, I am talking about you.
• Yes, you.
• You, sitting there, reading this.
• Wow, I had no idea that you were so gullible that you are still wondering if I'm talking about you.
• No worries, I am.
• Everyone knows it too.
• Don't believe me? Just ask 3 people you know if they classify you as a person with a sense of humor. Bet they hesitate, avoid eye contact, and say 'Ummmm...sorta?'
• Now that you believe me, you must quickly move on to something else or try and say something witty to a co-worker or friend to try and prove me wrong.
• I bet it won't work though, because you can't say funny witty things without a sense of humor.
• And that's you, a no-sense-of-humor-and-now-slightly-irritated-by-this-blog-posting-somebody.

Wine review

I thought I would make sure that everyone was up to date and remembering my WOM selections from past months.
May: Bogle Chardonnay. Yum Yum Yum this is deeeeeelicous with steak and if you serve it cold, it will serve you well. Hangover: none.
June: HAYMAN & HILL is the WOM for June. For the two special people who had the pleasure of hearing my obsessive meltdown because I couldn't remember the name of this wine, thank you for listening and not telling me that maybe if I would stop drinking, I might remember things from two months ago better. Hayman & Hill is crisp and buttery. I had it with pizza, and although I don't think that's what it's intended to be paired with, it was quite good none the less. Hangover: minimal.
July: Charles Shaw Chardonnay. Yes, two buck Chuck made my list mostly because for 3 bucks you can get a half decent bottle of wine. And with my modeling career at Macy's winding down, I'm a broke bizzo. Hangover: yes.
ICKY WINE ALERT!!!!! Do not, I repeat DO NOT ever think that getting a huge bottle of wine for less than ten bucks is a good deal. It is a bad deal. Especially after the first glass that you choke down and follow with 3 more, you will regret it largely the next morning when your head is pounding, the room is spinning, and no amount of anything makes it better. You will get a hang over very similar to the hang overs they portrayed on the after school specials we all watched growing up (those worked like a charm-sha right).
The culprit: Cavit Pinot Grigio
The victim: Me
The scene of the crime: Home
The hangover begun: 730am Sunday morning
The result: Actually praying for Monday morning to roll around so the healing could begin
The lesson: I'm never drinking again

You really want me to think that much about you?

Hi Readers,
Now, I rarely go into stores. Really, my interaction with retail personal is minimal. I go into name brand stores, like, NEVER. I go grocery shopping every Sunday 'cause I have to, but intensively and stalkingly, I go to the 'older' looking Mom like cashiers every time because they have never failed to bother me less than the teeny bopper 'can I offer you an additional 10% off your T**get purchase' scpell that I know they are being forced to say by their head phone wearing managers. When I go clothes shopping, it's almost always on-line, because I'm so famous, I don't want to be plagued by fans. Everything else is fair game.
Note today's trip to the liquor store. I went to the local store to get my customary bottle and proceed to the checkout. The lady in front of me LITERALLY has every content of her purse littered out on the counter top, why I'm not sure, but she does. So the cashier lady rings her up, and by this time I know her drivers licence number, her address, what lipstick shade she wears, her stinky choice in purfume and the fact that she is the only person left on the face of this planet that writes a check. She sees me and moves her PILE over to make room for my wine. The cashier (who knows me and rolls her eyes) tries to ring me up but cannot because Sharie Mc Sharey-ton is busy putting her life back together in front of us. Ten minutes later, I'm out the door and new with the knowledge of some weird-o's info.
Hrmpf! Get a grip ladies! Not everyone wants to see your insides!
On an unrelated note, this is the song I'm listening to right now.

TGIFF

Thank god it's f*cking Friday. Holy moses this week was a slow one.
Now that we've all made it to Friday, I would like to tell you about something I have discovered that apparently has been around for centuries.
Vinegar.
Do you know how many useful ways you can use vinegar? Well, let me tell you a few ways I have used it just this past week:
Cleaned my shower
Sprayed it outside the door/windows to scare away ants
Eliminated that weird odor coming from the garbage disposal
Drank it
Smelled it for a while and felt all fuzzy
Tried to legally adopt it.
Seriously, there are a gazillion ways to use vinegar. Here is a for real list if you are interested in seeing it's amazing capabilities and it contains a *bonus* NO harmful chemicals. Brilliant!
Have a good weekend monkeys. You know I love you.

This is the greatest song of all time, if you don't think so you are not my friend.

A quick TILSWLS post

• You can wonder for hours about how long that piece of granola bar that you had on the ride into work this morning has been stuck in your front tooth when you flossed after dinner and why nobody told you and think about how many times you flashed your pearly whites at people throughout out the day and wonder again why in God's name they didn't tell you, but you will probably never find out.

The End.

Welcome Back! Did you miss me?

I'm baaaaaack! Oops, that was a little more scary than I thought it was going to be but whatever.
Here is a recap & things to remember about my blog postings:

• WOM stands for Wine of the Month. I will give you details about the one bottle of wine that I sample each month and what I think of it. And by one bottle I mean one each day that ends in Y. And by that I mean one case. I mean crate. Sorry Mom.
• TILSWLS stands for Things I Learned Since we Last Spoke. I learn a lot on a daily basis because people, although generally good hearted, are just a bunch of bozo's dressed up in fancy clothing. I know this because I am one of them.
• For the enjoyment of everyone who reads this, please always comment as 'anonymous' and use fancy big words. Don't sign your name because that would give me the opportunity to judge you, and your ugly and have stinky breath so you don't want me to do that.
• I love Calvin Klein.
• My work is in the invisible magic lamp top secret cooler than you and your plain desk environmental field.
• I spend my entire day fulfilling your needs by posting new and interesting things, gosh your selfish.
• I also model for Macys, remember this?
• Always remember that I am better than you.

I hope you enjoy reading this again. It's good to be back.